Am I not worthy of his love?

I am in a mild state of confusion. It is amazing how you can find people on the Internet. I was randomly searching my father and the relatives on his side on Facebook on the wee hours of Friday morning. I did not find my father, however, I found his oldest brother. I think that I have met him before and I know that I used to talk to one of his daughters on the phone when I was little. My early communications with his side of the family were orchestrated by his mother. She was attempting to keep the family together. When she passed away when I was 15 years old all communication immediately went away. My lifeline to my paternal family along with drugs and homelessness (on his part not mines) made for 13 subsequent years of non-communication between he and I. I don't even believe that if I were to see him on the street I would remember what he looked like. On my uncle's Facebook page, I saw pictures of my uncle, my grandfather and what I thought was my father, but it turns out that he has an identical twin brother. So it turns out that I would be able to identify him if I saw him on the streets!

I am at the crossroads where I am not sure whether I want to ask my uncle about my father and his whereabouts. I mean everyone wants a relationship with their parents, but where has he been all these years? I would like to know if he has thought about me. Has he tried to locate me? How hard did he try? Why did he walk away from me? Am I that bad of a person? Am I not worthy of his love? There are a lot of thoughts that are swirling around my brain right not. I don't want to make a decision until I figure out if this is truly what I want. Will I ever know what I want??

Internal Struggle

I don't know why it is but I am very sensitive to conflict. It severely depletes all of my energies and it kills my self-esteem. For this reason, I tend to shy away from people in order to avoid any potential conflict. Every single argument or conflict that I have disables me. It takes a piece of me that I can never get back. This began back in elementary school and has stuck with me ever since. I would like to figure it out.

Another thing that I am having problems with is getting proper psychiatric treatment. This is my fault for several reasons. I am very reserved. I was always taught not to talk about your problems so in a psychiatric situation, there is an internal struggle for me. On one hand, I know that it is necessary and pertinent to my mental health that I am forthcoming and tell everything to my psychiatrist in order to get proper treatment. But on the other hand, it is very hard. I feel like I am doing a dissatisfaction to my family and even embarrassing them. I feel like I should be doing exactly what I was told and keep my mouth close. However, it is harming me and is the reason why I am finding it hard to function like a normal citizen. In order to be able to lead a somewhat normal and meaningful life.

The other problem that I am having is that I feel like when I finally have the courage to let the doctor know a few sessions down the line the full extent of my issues, I don't think that will believe me. I think that they may think that I am making these symptoms up just to make my situation better (or should I say worse) than the way that I first portrayed it. So this is my problem. Any suggestions or words of encouragement would be great. Let me know how you deal.

Dealing with a bit of a hypochondriac...

Just as a rheumatic senses the impending rains by their aching joints, my bipolar brain sensors told me that something wasn’t going to be right today. Something was a-brewin in the air. Call it my third eye or the voice of God or whatever your religious practices may be. I will just say that I knew it. My morning started off entirely too well. I woke up at a decent time, I felt okay for the day. Then my mother woke up and was very bubbly and she started conversations and was joking around like the whole argument the other day never happened. She continued on like she had never gone to bed without resentment and without speaking to me.

This continued on for several hours. (Sidenote: For the past several days she has been expressing her want to go to the emergency room because she is sick. She is not too sick to talk and laugh on the phone with her friends, not too sick to surf the internet to find webpages that will prove me wrong about statements that I make and not too sick to go outside and sit poolside but sick enough to go to the emergency room. How that is possible I do not know… A bit of a hypochondriac don’t you think??) Well she asked me to go with her to the emergency room with her. Today’s ailment: an infected sore in her head which is simply a chemical burn from her hair relaxer that she keeps picking at. I do not do well in emergency rooms. I avoid them at all costs, even for myself. I was beginning the statement, “I’d rather not but if you absolutely need me to than I will”, however I only got to the “but” before she burst out into tears.

She immediately called my younger brother on his cell phone and asked him to go with her to the hospital. He apparently said yes because he came upstairs and said he was ready to go. At first she said she would be ready to go as soon as she completed her homework. After she completed her homework about 45 minutes later and with my brother asleep from the boredom of waiting for her, she said never mind she would have her friend take her tomorrow after she goes to her therapy appointment. Now, any ailment worthy of emergency room attention in my belief is an ailment that seeks immediate attention. This meaning right now not 4- 5 days from now. This situation is like the boy crying wolf. How do you expect someone to take you seriously when you don’t seem to take it that seriously yourself? You simply walk around the house complaining for 5 days about the seriousness of your ailments but not seeking emergency medical attention and repeatedly saying that you will do it tomorrow.

My brain hurts at this point and I can’t think straight or concentrate. I hope that this ends soon.

So why are you asking me???

I am currently dealing with an immediate family member whose sole goal in life is to prove people wrong. If you say something that she believes is incorrect she will try to force her beliefs upon you. She is always right and you are always wrong. You are supposed to automatically accept her truth just because she says that it is the truth, no matter how far from logic that her truth is. In life, you will hear many explanation of what is right, what is wrong, why it is right and why it is wrong. Our responsibility as human beings is to research and educate ourselves on the subjects that we are not educated on. We can not go solely on what a person tells us and accept it as the truth.

This morning we had a dispute about the processes of the court system and the power of the Supreme Court. The way that I have been taught in school is that if one does not receive favorable results or what one feels as unjust results, you can petition for that case in the Supreme Court. Results in the Supreme Court are the laws of the land. Those results are final results and they trump anything that happens in local and state government. If someone is found not guilt (i.e. Casey Anthony), if the prosecution so decided to, she can be taken to the Supreme Court and tried. This is not double jeopardy because the Supreme Court tries a case with a new submission of evidence and they do not consider they local and state government verdicts. So no Casey Anthony can not be retried in Orlando, or any other localized court of law because that would be double jeopardy. But yes she can be tried in Supreme Court for the charges that she did not get charged for (murder and disposal of a dead body).

Well she listened to my argument and said "okay, now stop talking to me. We are done with this subject." But you could tell that she was clearly upset. About 15 minutes or so later, I noticed her pick up laptop and she began loudly and frustratingly tapping away at the keys. Turns out she was looking for a news article about the Casey Anthony trial that would disprove what I said. (This is a regular occurrence from her. She will Google what you said if she doesn't believe that you are right. She will search and search for hours until she can find an article or comment to prove you wrong, not looking at the credibility of the source but simply at the fact that it says that you are incorrect.) When she found what she was looking for she texted me telling me that I was wrong and what phrase to Google to prove that I am wrong and that she was right. I personally do not mind being corrected but someone who attempts to disprove anything that you do not agree with her on but turn around and asks you for help when they do not know something becomes annoying. There have even been time when she has asked me a question or for help and then said that my answer was wrong and that I did not know what I was talking about. So why are you asking me???

I have decided to no longer offer my advice, even when it is asked for. I am going to simply say, "I don't know", because when I do know you say that I am incorrect. This is why as soon as I finish my college education, I am leaving this city. I am moving far, far away. Somewhere that requires at least a 4 hours drive minimum. This chaotic environment is not conducive to my sanity and well-being. This could possibly be the source of my self-doubt and insecurity. Actually I am pretty sure that it is. Even when I know that I know the answer, I am very afraid to admit it and speak up about it. Because I know the reaction at home when I do know the answer.

Least likely to succeed

You know, I am just not feeling it today. I don't feel like getting up and I really don't want to leave the house. I feel like there is plenty that I need to do inside the house so going out today is just going to distract me from what I need to do. I have tons of homework that I have to work on. I have a load of laundry that I am pretty sure needs to be washed again because this is the third day that it has been sitting in the washing machine. I am pretty disheartened by the outcome of the Casey Anthony trial and how she most likely got away with murder. All of the signs point towards her but the prosecution was unable to convince the jury what her motive would be for killing her child so they found her not guilty. First of all, who cares why!!! Does it really matter why? If we can't convict a murderer because we don't know why they did it then we would have a lot of murderers roaming the streets freely. Secondly, the fact that the whole month while little Caylee was "missing" she didn't not report it nor was she seemingly distraught. In fact, what she did was party it up nightly and post the photos of her doing so on Facebook. If I were a mother and my child were missing I would be a depressed recluse until she was found alive. If she were found dead I would be devastated and probably continue my reclusive behavior for a while longer. What I would not do is duct tape and bag her corpse and leave it in my trunk until I could find some remote place to bury her body where I thought it would be hard to find.

Things like that just ruffle my feathers. I am going to have to start avoiding the news and Facebook as much as possible until this talk about the verdict all dies down. This effects my daily functioning. Today at 11a, I have to go for a psychiatric evaluation. I am having a hard time functioning as an employee and working with people. So hard of a time that I begin to feel flushed and sick when I was at work. It is crippling for me to work for and with people. Especially when I don't feel like people want or appreciate the work that I am doing. Most likely the only way I will succeed in a working world is as some form a social worker, running my own non-profit where people are appreciative of my contributions, or as a volunteer in the Peace Corps (where again people will be more appreciative of the things that I am doing for them). I can't go around trying to force things upon people that they don't want and/or can't afford. When people say leave me alone, I leave them alone. I refuse to chase them around because some sales manager feels that if I push hard enough I can sell them something. (Even if they come back to return it as soon as I am not looking or turn my back!) I also can't work in an office where there is a manager standing over my back asking what I am doing and how far I got on my work.

Unfortunately, being bipolar come with serious ups and downs. My mood can vary by the day or even by the hour. No one understands this nor do they seem to care. They just care about what I can do for them and that is it. They see you as a worker and not as a person. I truly envy those people who enjoy going to work and the people that they work with. I envy those people who are working in a career that they love and enjoy. Due to a severe depression after I graduated from high school (as valedictorian of my class), I didn't go to college. I immediately went to work a minimum wage, entry level work where I did not have the opportunity to showcase any of my skills. My intelligence nor the career skills that I have stayed bottled up inside. Now it is essential to have a college degree to have a decent job. A bachelor's degree is like having a high school diploma these days and that I do not hold. It is a very depressing feeling that I have all of this potential and intellect but the only job that I can obtain is that of a secretary, receptionist, or cashier. It's almost enough to make you suicidal.

Genius, Creativity, and Bipolar Disorder

As for now, coasting at a steady speed. My concentration level is a little less than I would like it to be or the way it is when I am headed towards my manic state. I notice that I have to take more frequent breaks in between my reading. I prefer when I can continuously read as opposed to dragging the process out. I can fully understand why people actually enjoy their highs. They can be quite addicting. I think I am the most brilliant when I am manic. That is why all of the most creative and brilliant people are bipolar. Some the most talented celebrities are bipolar. These people include:

• Agatha Christie
• Albert Einstein
• Abraham Lincoln
• Buzz Aldrin
• Jim Carey
• Kay Redfield Jamison
• Jane Pauley
• Marilyn Monroe
• Ozzie Osbourne
• Plato
• Robin Williams
• Ted Turner
• Vincent Van Gogh
• Winston Churchill
• Edgar Allen Poe
• Hans Christian Anderson
• Jimi Hendrix
• Kurt Cobain
• Elizabeth Taylor
• Ludwig van Beethoven
• Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Tim Burton
• Virginia Woolf
• Wolfgang Armadeus Mozart
• Thomas Stearns Elliot

I believe that there is most likely a correlation between intellect and bipolar disorder because the most talented people in their field tend to be bipolar. I mean come on, my hero Albert Einstein was bipolar! Where would we be without the theory of relativity? To be classified in a category with the people listed above is an honor in my opinion. Although we go through some serious mental struggles and we may have the propensity to harm ourselves we can look at this fact and feel a sense of honor almost. We are special. We are in a class of our own. I feel like I am apart of some elite club at times. A club that we were born into and birth rite is the only way you can earn admission. Although we are stigmatized by the rest of the world and sometimes shunned because of our mental illness, we have some advantage over them. So ha ha! Take that "normal people"!!

Here is a link to an interesting article on bipolar disorder and creativity: http://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/creativity-and-bipolar-disorder.aspx

What a difference a day and 150mg of Lamictal makes!

What a difference a day and 150mg of Lamictal makes! I am going to do my damnedest to take my medication religiously because I feel as close to normal as a bipolar person can be. I got up at a decent time this morning and I did not feel exhausted. Before when I wasn't taking my medicine, when I woke up every morning, I felt as if I hadn't slept in days. But this morning was the complete opposite. I got up, I put on a pot of coffee, put the dishes in the dishwasher that I was too lazy to do last night and I did some reading. I also just about finished the last 50 pages of An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. Now I am working on my school work for this week.  For my African-American History before 1877, I have to read 50 pages of reading, a 400 word essay, 2 200 word peer response essays and a quiz. For Social Psychology, I have to read two chapters (I am not positive how many pages that is), a 400 word essay, 2 200 word peer response essays and 2 quizzes. For my Spanish 1 class, I have to complete the unit work which is about an hour and a half of online lecture/learning and whatever discussion board that my professor has assigned.