I have been feeling so much better these days. I feel like I have a purpose. I have something to do which has helped my self-esteem and my depression levels. Since the day that I had my first interview exactly one week ago, I felt so good about myself. Obviously the interview went more than well. My interviewer loved me. He loved me so much that he called me in for a second interview the very next day with two other supervisor's (one of which who is my current supervisor). The two supervisors loved me as well. It was like a whirlwind because the next thing I know its Monday and I am sitting in on my first day of their 200 hour intensive training program.
I must be on cloud nine because when I saw my interviewers, I didn't even recognize them initially. It took a second for it to register. I was still mentally at the interview and could not believe that I was at work already. I don't think that I will come off of cloud nine for awhile because the more I learn about the company the more and more I feel like I am dreaming. I have totally landed my dream job. The benefits are amazing. I thought that I had good benefits before when I worked at Nordstrom, but Nordstrom's benefits are a joke when you compare them to my new company.
Since I am now working in the travel industry, I can also finally have the opportunity to live out my travel dreams. My extravagant travel dreams I can now purchase at bargain basement prices. I am living a dream. I also have a normal and predictable work schedule so I can handle being a full-time student in addition to full-time employment. Purpose and content make for a happy bipolar girl in LA! I now see the light at the end of the tunnel and I also now know that it is possible for me to live a normal life. I simply had to make a few adjustments to the way that I was living and I am making it happen.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I'm Back.... Again!
There is an unbelievable magic when people (especially those who suffer with mental illness) find a sense of value and a sense of purpose. When you find a motivation and something to keep you occupied during your days, it is like a miracle drug. Of course, an occupation and sense of value is no substitution for your psychiatric medication and therapy but the powers are unparalleled.
In order to make it, we have to have a combination of things working on our side. A good psychiatrist is key. A good psychiatrist is needed to help cater a medication regiment to chemically alter the things that we can not alter naturally in our brain. Things such as negative self-talk, fortune telling, violent activities, over-spending, unhealthy eating habits, racing thoughts and the other usual subjects which are too numerous to name in this short blog post. A good therapist is necessary as well. At your therapist appointment you have the ability to vent. You can express your opinion in a non-judgmental atmosphere (well that is if you have a good therapist so it is important to find a connection between you and your therapist).
Surrounding yourself around good people who will take the time to understand you and be there to help you when you need the help. These people also need to understand when to give you a little space and not take it personal. You know that there are some days when you just can't take dealing with people. This feeling is not directed at anyone in general, but to avoid conflict, it is best sometimes to be alone. Just kind of explain to your friends the deal and if they are good friends than they should understand. If not, then these are not the type of people that you should be around.
It may be a while before non-consumers understand mental illness and the stigma that surrounds us consumers is erased but with education, patience and tolerance on both sides we can erase the stigma in the near future. It is not impossible. Look how far we have come with racism in America. Of course, some discrimination will still exist because it is impossible to rid the world completely of idiots but we can make these idiots a small minority.
The last piece of the puzzle is to find something constructive to do with your time. If you can work, than that is wonderful. There is a healing factor and confidence booster that comes with working and earning your money. I have been off of work on disability for a little over a year and although I appreciate the ability to do so in the beginning when I was too far down and unable too work, I have come to a point where if I stayed off work any longer I was going to be disabled from being disabled. I had gotten to a point where I did not want to see sunlight, go outside or be around people. This was very out of the ordinary for me because when I felt down in the past I would go out to cheer me up.
Also, being on a fixed income is depressing as well. I have developed a new want to travel and I am very into fashion so to see new places to go and to watch the designers put out their next seasons collections is a very depressing thing for me to watch. It was depressing because I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to afford to go anywhere new and I definitely couldn't even afford even 1 piece from Alexander McQueen's or Missoni's next collection. I was on the verge of giving up with life. I felt that there was no purpose if I could find no pleasure in it.
Then I got the courage to step out and send some resumes to local businesses. The first interview at a law firm went not so well but what could I expect. I haven't worked in over a year, I had little exposure to people and I hadn't interviewed in over 3 years. If I wasn't anxious about that then I can't call myself a human being. Then I applied at the U.S. headquarters for a national cruise line which is only 3 blocks away. There was an excitement that developed in me because I want to travel more, I would have the opportunity to interact with people and talk to them about travel and there are travel benefits that go along. In addition, they offer a great salary plus commission, vacation and sick pay, health insurance and 401K. So it would be perfect.
When I went into the interview, that excitement, dedication and energy was definitely picked up by my interviewer because I went in on Tuesday at 9:30 am, by the time I arrived home at 10:15 am he had sent me a link to complete a customer service assessment test, at 1:00 pm he asked me if I was available for an interview the next day at 1:00 pm. I went on the interview Wednesday at 1:00 pm and by 3:30 I had a job offer and I begin training on Monday. Now that is the ultimate confidence booster! I am definitely back in action and in a couple of months I will definitely need bigger closets and be planning my next vacation!
In order to make it, we have to have a combination of things working on our side. A good psychiatrist is key. A good psychiatrist is needed to help cater a medication regiment to chemically alter the things that we can not alter naturally in our brain. Things such as negative self-talk, fortune telling, violent activities, over-spending, unhealthy eating habits, racing thoughts and the other usual subjects which are too numerous to name in this short blog post. A good therapist is necessary as well. At your therapist appointment you have the ability to vent. You can express your opinion in a non-judgmental atmosphere (well that is if you have a good therapist so it is important to find a connection between you and your therapist).
Surrounding yourself around good people who will take the time to understand you and be there to help you when you need the help. These people also need to understand when to give you a little space and not take it personal. You know that there are some days when you just can't take dealing with people. This feeling is not directed at anyone in general, but to avoid conflict, it is best sometimes to be alone. Just kind of explain to your friends the deal and if they are good friends than they should understand. If not, then these are not the type of people that you should be around.
It may be a while before non-consumers understand mental illness and the stigma that surrounds us consumers is erased but with education, patience and tolerance on both sides we can erase the stigma in the near future. It is not impossible. Look how far we have come with racism in America. Of course, some discrimination will still exist because it is impossible to rid the world completely of idiots but we can make these idiots a small minority.
The last piece of the puzzle is to find something constructive to do with your time. If you can work, than that is wonderful. There is a healing factor and confidence booster that comes with working and earning your money. I have been off of work on disability for a little over a year and although I appreciate the ability to do so in the beginning when I was too far down and unable too work, I have come to a point where if I stayed off work any longer I was going to be disabled from being disabled. I had gotten to a point where I did not want to see sunlight, go outside or be around people. This was very out of the ordinary for me because when I felt down in the past I would go out to cheer me up.
Also, being on a fixed income is depressing as well. I have developed a new want to travel and I am very into fashion so to see new places to go and to watch the designers put out their next seasons collections is a very depressing thing for me to watch. It was depressing because I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to afford to go anywhere new and I definitely couldn't even afford even 1 piece from Alexander McQueen's or Missoni's next collection. I was on the verge of giving up with life. I felt that there was no purpose if I could find no pleasure in it.
Then I got the courage to step out and send some resumes to local businesses. The first interview at a law firm went not so well but what could I expect. I haven't worked in over a year, I had little exposure to people and I hadn't interviewed in over 3 years. If I wasn't anxious about that then I can't call myself a human being. Then I applied at the U.S. headquarters for a national cruise line which is only 3 blocks away. There was an excitement that developed in me because I want to travel more, I would have the opportunity to interact with people and talk to them about travel and there are travel benefits that go along. In addition, they offer a great salary plus commission, vacation and sick pay, health insurance and 401K. So it would be perfect.
When I went into the interview, that excitement, dedication and energy was definitely picked up by my interviewer because I went in on Tuesday at 9:30 am, by the time I arrived home at 10:15 am he had sent me a link to complete a customer service assessment test, at 1:00 pm he asked me if I was available for an interview the next day at 1:00 pm. I went on the interview Wednesday at 1:00 pm and by 3:30 I had a job offer and I begin training on Monday. Now that is the ultimate confidence booster! I am definitely back in action and in a couple of months I will definitely need bigger closets and be planning my next vacation!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
He who is without sin please immediately cast the first stone!
When it happens to Amy Winehouse general consensus is what's new.. but when it happens to Jeret Peterson the world is so sad and wonders why and claims how it was unexpected... Listen people! They both suffered from the same demons that are dealt to those who suffer from mental illness. Their methods of coping were different but that doesn't make one or the other more or less tragic. They are both tragic and until you have personally suffered from Bipolar Disorder or Depression do not have the audacity to judge someone because they coped with their illness in a manner in which you do not agree with.
This is exactly the reason that I don't like people in general. Instead of judging and criticizing we should be investigating and trying to figure out why things are the way they are. Don't judge me and label me crazy because I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Yes, I do have my public moments but I surpress and bottle my illness so well in front of strangers that you would never know that I was Bipolar unless I told you so. This is why people like me do indeed bottle it up inside, because non-consumers criticize and mock us for being different. Non-consumers don't have what we have! Plato, Marilyn Monroe, Van Gogh, Amy Winehouse, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Edgar Allen Poe, Virginia Woolf, Mozart, TS Eliot, and Kurt Cobain had it. Jane Pauley, Tim Burton, Kay Redfield Jamison, Ted Turner, Jim Carey, Ben Stiller, and DMX have it... and I have it! Can you see the good that I see in being on such a winning team?
He who is without sin please immediately cast the first stone!
This is exactly the reason that I don't like people in general. Instead of judging and criticizing we should be investigating and trying to figure out why things are the way they are. Don't judge me and label me crazy because I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Yes, I do have my public moments but I surpress and bottle my illness so well in front of strangers that you would never know that I was Bipolar unless I told you so. This is why people like me do indeed bottle it up inside, because non-consumers criticize and mock us for being different. Non-consumers don't have what we have! Plato, Marilyn Monroe, Van Gogh, Amy Winehouse, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Edgar Allen Poe, Virginia Woolf, Mozart, TS Eliot, and Kurt Cobain had it. Jane Pauley, Tim Burton, Kay Redfield Jamison, Ted Turner, Jim Carey, Ben Stiller, and DMX have it... and I have it! Can you see the good that I see in being on such a winning team?
He who is without sin please immediately cast the first stone!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
My logical and illogical mind are at odds again right now. I have an interview at a law firm in the morning and the battle has begun. It's not a big job, just a file clerk position but it pays well and it has benefits and while I am working on my degree those are the most important things to me. What makes it especially enticing is the firm is located in the office building next to my apartment building. (But I guess that can be bad because I can't make up any excuses for being late!) It is kind of one of those positions that seems too good to be true. It will take me 5 minutes to get to work and I desperately need the benefits. It's just things never seem to come this easy for me so there are a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind right now.
The first thought is that they are going to hate me and they are not going to want to hire me. Then I think that I am going to totally bomb the interview. I haven't interviewed in 3 years and when I did interview I only had to go on 1 interview because I got the job immediately. Now you may be thinking that this should be one of the positive thoughts but not for me. I immediately revert back to thought #1 and that they are going to hate me and I am going to have to keep interviewing. I DO NOT take rejection very well. It makes me feel like I am less of a person and not worthy of whatever it is I am trying to get. This is the main factor that fuels my depression.
I am actually bouncing back and forth between my Twitter timeline and writing this blog and I saw a Tweet from @TheNotebook that states: "We can pretend that things don't bother us, but we all know that even the smallest thing could make us fall apart". This definitely resonates with me. I bottle things up and then I crack when I have surpassed max capacity. I have to figure out a new way to operate because this one clearly does not serve me well.
I am just hoping that I go in there tomorrow with a positive attitude, I speak well, and am articulate. I hope the Lamictal fog does not kick in and they will see what a great asset I would be to their team, because I truly would!
The first thought is that they are going to hate me and they are not going to want to hire me. Then I think that I am going to totally bomb the interview. I haven't interviewed in 3 years and when I did interview I only had to go on 1 interview because I got the job immediately. Now you may be thinking that this should be one of the positive thoughts but not for me. I immediately revert back to thought #1 and that they are going to hate me and I am going to have to keep interviewing. I DO NOT take rejection very well. It makes me feel like I am less of a person and not worthy of whatever it is I am trying to get. This is the main factor that fuels my depression.
I am actually bouncing back and forth between my Twitter timeline and writing this blog and I saw a Tweet from @TheNotebook that states: "We can pretend that things don't bother us, but we all know that even the smallest thing could make us fall apart". This definitely resonates with me. I bottle things up and then I crack when I have surpassed max capacity. I have to figure out a new way to operate because this one clearly does not serve me well.
I am just hoping that I go in there tomorrow with a positive attitude, I speak well, and am articulate. I hope the Lamictal fog does not kick in and they will see what a great asset I would be to their team, because I truly would!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
God, Ghosts, and the Supernatural!
It really trips me out how there are Christians who believe in God but condemn people who believe in ghosts and watch Harry Potter! Let's seriously put our thinking caps on people! The God you believe in is a supernatural being. If you are going to believe in one supernatural being then seriously why not believe in them all? Let me educate you a little bit. Supernatural: of, pertaining to, or being above or beyond what is natural; unexplainable by natural law or phenomena; abnormal. The supernatural is unexplainable so how can you explain the presence of a God nor can you explain the presence of ghosts and witches. You can't have it both ways and just because it was written down doesn't make it true.
You may be condemning me now because I do not believe in God. The thing is that I do not believe in the unexplainable. I need hard evidence and facts. If I lived my life on the faith that what everyone told me was true then I would be one screwed up individual. You have to do research and gather evidence for yourself. You have to be the scientist and find out what is right. The Christian church is the same governing body that used the Bible to justify the legality of slavery and discrimination and were going to fight to the death with their belief that the world was flat. I can't in good conscious follow a belief system that a few short generations ago would have took my rights away from me because the pigmentation of my skin is darker than what is "right".
You may be condemning me now because I do not believe in God. The thing is that I do not believe in the unexplainable. I need hard evidence and facts. If I lived my life on the faith that what everyone told me was true then I would be one screwed up individual. You have to do research and gather evidence for yourself. You have to be the scientist and find out what is right. The Christian church is the same governing body that used the Bible to justify the legality of slavery and discrimination and were going to fight to the death with their belief that the world was flat. I can't in good conscious follow a belief system that a few short generations ago would have took my rights away from me because the pigmentation of my skin is darker than what is "right".
Saturday, July 23, 2011
We Lost Our Angel.... Amy you will be missed!
We, the mentally ill, have lost one of our great ones. This is another extreme case of what happens when the illness just becomes to much. She was such a creative talent that was way before her time but the demons that come along with being that brilliant and creative were too much for her. Amy Winehouse was one of us who chose drugs to soothe her pain. She is an example and a testament to the dangers of making such a choice. There is no one like Amy Winehouse and there never will be. I was pulling for her.
Last year it seemed as though was pulling herself together. It was just announced that last year she had a clothing line coming out with Fred Perry who is really popular in the UK. At that time it was also announced that she was in the studio and working on her new album and also working with her goddaughter who also has a voice like an angel. Hopefully we will see great things from her goddaughter and she will learn from the mistakes of her godmother Amy. Maybe we will also be lucky enough and the album that Amy was working will be released sometime this year. Let's just hope.
Last year it seemed as though was pulling herself together. It was just announced that last year she had a clothing line coming out with Fred Perry who is really popular in the UK. At that time it was also announced that she was in the studio and working on her new album and also working with her goddaughter who also has a voice like an angel. Hopefully we will see great things from her goddaughter and she will learn from the mistakes of her godmother Amy. Maybe we will also be lucky enough and the album that Amy was working will be released sometime this year. Let's just hope.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I Have Google'd Myself So I Know!
I have been off my game this I know. Before getting back into blogging, I had promised myself to stick to it and write religiously. Promises of course are made to be broken and its an easier pill to swallow if you break the promise yourself. These past days have been a bit difficult with me. Since finding my uncle (my father's oldest brother whose side of the family I don't have contact with) I have had some very extremely mixed emotions. On one hand I would love to meet him and my family but it feels very disheartening that my dad and his family have not tried to contact me. I am not very hard to find... I have Google'd myself so I know this to be true. So sometimes I kind of kick myself in the but for contacting him. I don't have any good memories of that side of the family.
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