My logical and illogical mind are at odds again right now. I have an interview at a law firm in the morning and the battle has begun. It's not a big job, just a file clerk position but it pays well and it has benefits and while I am working on my degree those are the most important things to me. What makes it especially enticing is the firm is located in the office building next to my apartment building. (But I guess that can be bad because I can't make up any excuses for being late!) It is kind of one of those positions that seems too good to be true. It will take me 5 minutes to get to work and I desperately need the benefits. It's just things never seem to come this easy for me so there are a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind right now.

The first thought is that they are going to hate me and they are not going to want to hire me. Then I think that I am going to totally bomb the interview. I haven't interviewed in 3 years and when I did interview I only had to go on 1 interview because I got the job immediately. Now you may be thinking that this should be one of the positive thoughts but not for me. I immediately revert back to thought #1 and that they are going to hate me and I am going to have to keep interviewing. I DO NOT take rejection very well. It makes me feel like I am less of a person and not worthy of whatever it is I am trying to get. This is the main factor that fuels my depression.

I am actually bouncing back and forth between my Twitter timeline and writing this blog and I saw a Tweet from @TheNotebook that states: "We can pretend that things don't bother us, but we all know that even the smallest thing could make us fall apart". This definitely resonates with me. I bottle things up and then I crack when I have surpassed max capacity. I have to figure out a new way to operate because this one clearly does not serve me well.

I am just hoping that I go in there tomorrow with a positive attitude, I speak well, and am articulate. I hope the Lamictal fog does not kick in and they will see what a great asset I would be to their team, because I truly would!

God, Ghosts, and the Supernatural!

It really trips me out how there are Christians who believe in God but condemn people who believe in ghosts and watch Harry Potter! Let's seriously put our thinking caps on people! The God you believe in is a supernatural being. If you are going to believe in one supernatural being then seriously why not believe in them all? Let me educate you a little bit. Supernatural: of, pertaining to, or being above or beyond what is natural; unexplainable by natural law or phenomena; abnormal. The supernatural is unexplainable so how can you explain the presence of a God nor can you explain the presence of ghosts and witches. You can't have it both ways and just because it was written down doesn't make it true.


You may be condemning me now because I do not believe in God. The thing is that I do not believe in the unexplainable. I need hard evidence and facts. If I lived my life on the faith that what everyone told me was true then I would be one screwed up individual. You have to do research and gather evidence for yourself. You have to be the scientist and find out what is right. The Christian church is the same governing body that used the Bible to justify the legality of slavery and discrimination and were going to fight to the death with their belief that the world was flat. I can't in good conscious follow a belief system that a few short generations ago would have took my rights away from me because the pigmentation of my skin is darker than what is "right".

We Lost Our Angel.... Amy you will be missed!

We, the mentally ill, have lost one of our great ones. This is another extreme case of what happens when the illness just becomes to much. She was such a creative talent that was way before her time but the demons that come along with being that brilliant and creative were too much for her. Amy Winehouse was one of us who chose drugs to soothe her pain. She is an example and a testament to the dangers of making such a choice. There is no one like Amy Winehouse and there never will be. I was pulling for her.

Last year it seemed as though was pulling herself together. It was just announced that last year she had a clothing line coming out with Fred Perry who is really popular in the UK. At that time it was also announced that she was in the studio and working on her new album and also working with her goddaughter who also has a voice like an angel. Hopefully we will see great things from her goddaughter and she will learn from the mistakes of her godmother Amy. Maybe we will also be lucky enough and the album that Amy was working will be released sometime this year. Let's just hope.

I Have Google'd Myself So I Know!

I have been off my game this I know. Before getting back into blogging, I had promised myself to stick to it and write religiously. Promises of course are made to be broken and its an easier pill to swallow if you break the promise yourself. These past days have been a bit difficult with me. Since finding my uncle (my father's oldest brother whose side of the family I don't have contact with) I have had some very extremely mixed emotions. On one hand I would love to meet him and my family but it feels very disheartening that my dad and his family have not tried to contact me. I am not very hard to find... I have Google'd myself so I know this to be true. So sometimes I kind of kick myself in the but for contacting him. I don't have any good memories of that side of the family.

Am I not worthy of his love?

I am in a mild state of confusion. It is amazing how you can find people on the Internet. I was randomly searching my father and the relatives on his side on Facebook on the wee hours of Friday morning. I did not find my father, however, I found his oldest brother. I think that I have met him before and I know that I used to talk to one of his daughters on the phone when I was little. My early communications with his side of the family were orchestrated by his mother. She was attempting to keep the family together. When she passed away when I was 15 years old all communication immediately went away. My lifeline to my paternal family along with drugs and homelessness (on his part not mines) made for 13 subsequent years of non-communication between he and I. I don't even believe that if I were to see him on the street I would remember what he looked like. On my uncle's Facebook page, I saw pictures of my uncle, my grandfather and what I thought was my father, but it turns out that he has an identical twin brother. So it turns out that I would be able to identify him if I saw him on the streets!

I am at the crossroads where I am not sure whether I want to ask my uncle about my father and his whereabouts. I mean everyone wants a relationship with their parents, but where has he been all these years? I would like to know if he has thought about me. Has he tried to locate me? How hard did he try? Why did he walk away from me? Am I that bad of a person? Am I not worthy of his love? There are a lot of thoughts that are swirling around my brain right not. I don't want to make a decision until I figure out if this is truly what I want. Will I ever know what I want??

Internal Struggle

I don't know why it is but I am very sensitive to conflict. It severely depletes all of my energies and it kills my self-esteem. For this reason, I tend to shy away from people in order to avoid any potential conflict. Every single argument or conflict that I have disables me. It takes a piece of me that I can never get back. This began back in elementary school and has stuck with me ever since. I would like to figure it out.

Another thing that I am having problems with is getting proper psychiatric treatment. This is my fault for several reasons. I am very reserved. I was always taught not to talk about your problems so in a psychiatric situation, there is an internal struggle for me. On one hand, I know that it is necessary and pertinent to my mental health that I am forthcoming and tell everything to my psychiatrist in order to get proper treatment. But on the other hand, it is very hard. I feel like I am doing a dissatisfaction to my family and even embarrassing them. I feel like I should be doing exactly what I was told and keep my mouth close. However, it is harming me and is the reason why I am finding it hard to function like a normal citizen. In order to be able to lead a somewhat normal and meaningful life.

The other problem that I am having is that I feel like when I finally have the courage to let the doctor know a few sessions down the line the full extent of my issues, I don't think that will believe me. I think that they may think that I am making these symptoms up just to make my situation better (or should I say worse) than the way that I first portrayed it. So this is my problem. Any suggestions or words of encouragement would be great. Let me know how you deal.

Dealing with a bit of a hypochondriac...

Just as a rheumatic senses the impending rains by their aching joints, my bipolar brain sensors told me that something wasn’t going to be right today. Something was a-brewin in the air. Call it my third eye or the voice of God or whatever your religious practices may be. I will just say that I knew it. My morning started off entirely too well. I woke up at a decent time, I felt okay for the day. Then my mother woke up and was very bubbly and she started conversations and was joking around like the whole argument the other day never happened. She continued on like she had never gone to bed without resentment and without speaking to me.

This continued on for several hours. (Sidenote: For the past several days she has been expressing her want to go to the emergency room because she is sick. She is not too sick to talk and laugh on the phone with her friends, not too sick to surf the internet to find webpages that will prove me wrong about statements that I make and not too sick to go outside and sit poolside but sick enough to go to the emergency room. How that is possible I do not know… A bit of a hypochondriac don’t you think??) Well she asked me to go with her to the emergency room with her. Today’s ailment: an infected sore in her head which is simply a chemical burn from her hair relaxer that she keeps picking at. I do not do well in emergency rooms. I avoid them at all costs, even for myself. I was beginning the statement, “I’d rather not but if you absolutely need me to than I will”, however I only got to the “but” before she burst out into tears.

She immediately called my younger brother on his cell phone and asked him to go with her to the hospital. He apparently said yes because he came upstairs and said he was ready to go. At first she said she would be ready to go as soon as she completed her homework. After she completed her homework about 45 minutes later and with my brother asleep from the boredom of waiting for her, she said never mind she would have her friend take her tomorrow after she goes to her therapy appointment. Now, any ailment worthy of emergency room attention in my belief is an ailment that seeks immediate attention. This meaning right now not 4- 5 days from now. This situation is like the boy crying wolf. How do you expect someone to take you seriously when you don’t seem to take it that seriously yourself? You simply walk around the house complaining for 5 days about the seriousness of your ailments but not seeking emergency medical attention and repeatedly saying that you will do it tomorrow.

My brain hurts at this point and I can’t think straight or concentrate. I hope that this ends soon.