He who is without sin please immediately cast the first stone!

When it happens to Amy Winehouse general consensus is what's new.. but when it happens to Jeret Peterson the world is so sad and wonders why and claims how it was unexpected... Listen people! They both suffered from the same demons that are dealt to those who suffer from mental illness. Their methods of coping were different but that doesn't make one or the other more or less tragic. They are both tragic and until you have personally suffered from Bipolar Disorder or Depression do not have the audacity to judge someone because they coped with their illness in a manner in which you do not agree with. 


This is exactly the reason that I don't like people in general. Instead of judging and criticizing we should be investigating and trying to figure out why things are the way they are. Don't judge me and label me crazy because I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Yes, I do have my public moments but I surpress and bottle my illness so well in front of strangers that you would never know that I was Bipolar unless I told you so. This is why people like me do indeed bottle it up inside, because non-consumers criticize and mock us for being different. Non-consumers don't have what we have! Plato, Marilyn Monroe, Van Gogh, Amy Winehouse, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Edgar Allen Poe, Virginia Woolf, Mozart, TS Eliot, and Kurt Cobain had it. Jane Pauley, Tim Burton, Kay Redfield Jamison, Ted Turner, Jim Carey, Ben Stiller, and DMX have it... and I have it! Can you see the good that I see in being on such a winning team?


He who is without sin please immediately cast the first stone!

My logical and illogical mind are at odds again right now. I have an interview at a law firm in the morning and the battle has begun. It's not a big job, just a file clerk position but it pays well and it has benefits and while I am working on my degree those are the most important things to me. What makes it especially enticing is the firm is located in the office building next to my apartment building. (But I guess that can be bad because I can't make up any excuses for being late!) It is kind of one of those positions that seems too good to be true. It will take me 5 minutes to get to work and I desperately need the benefits. It's just things never seem to come this easy for me so there are a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind right now.

The first thought is that they are going to hate me and they are not going to want to hire me. Then I think that I am going to totally bomb the interview. I haven't interviewed in 3 years and when I did interview I only had to go on 1 interview because I got the job immediately. Now you may be thinking that this should be one of the positive thoughts but not for me. I immediately revert back to thought #1 and that they are going to hate me and I am going to have to keep interviewing. I DO NOT take rejection very well. It makes me feel like I am less of a person and not worthy of whatever it is I am trying to get. This is the main factor that fuels my depression.

I am actually bouncing back and forth between my Twitter timeline and writing this blog and I saw a Tweet from @TheNotebook that states: "We can pretend that things don't bother us, but we all know that even the smallest thing could make us fall apart". This definitely resonates with me. I bottle things up and then I crack when I have surpassed max capacity. I have to figure out a new way to operate because this one clearly does not serve me well.

I am just hoping that I go in there tomorrow with a positive attitude, I speak well, and am articulate. I hope the Lamictal fog does not kick in and they will see what a great asset I would be to their team, because I truly would!

God, Ghosts, and the Supernatural!

It really trips me out how there are Christians who believe in God but condemn people who believe in ghosts and watch Harry Potter! Let's seriously put our thinking caps on people! The God you believe in is a supernatural being. If you are going to believe in one supernatural being then seriously why not believe in them all? Let me educate you a little bit. Supernatural: of, pertaining to, or being above or beyond what is natural; unexplainable by natural law or phenomena; abnormal. The supernatural is unexplainable so how can you explain the presence of a God nor can you explain the presence of ghosts and witches. You can't have it both ways and just because it was written down doesn't make it true.


You may be condemning me now because I do not believe in God. The thing is that I do not believe in the unexplainable. I need hard evidence and facts. If I lived my life on the faith that what everyone told me was true then I would be one screwed up individual. You have to do research and gather evidence for yourself. You have to be the scientist and find out what is right. The Christian church is the same governing body that used the Bible to justify the legality of slavery and discrimination and were going to fight to the death with their belief that the world was flat. I can't in good conscious follow a belief system that a few short generations ago would have took my rights away from me because the pigmentation of my skin is darker than what is "right".

We Lost Our Angel.... Amy you will be missed!

We, the mentally ill, have lost one of our great ones. This is another extreme case of what happens when the illness just becomes to much. She was such a creative talent that was way before her time but the demons that come along with being that brilliant and creative were too much for her. Amy Winehouse was one of us who chose drugs to soothe her pain. She is an example and a testament to the dangers of making such a choice. There is no one like Amy Winehouse and there never will be. I was pulling for her.

Last year it seemed as though was pulling herself together. It was just announced that last year she had a clothing line coming out with Fred Perry who is really popular in the UK. At that time it was also announced that she was in the studio and working on her new album and also working with her goddaughter who also has a voice like an angel. Hopefully we will see great things from her goddaughter and she will learn from the mistakes of her godmother Amy. Maybe we will also be lucky enough and the album that Amy was working will be released sometime this year. Let's just hope.

I Have Google'd Myself So I Know!

I have been off my game this I know. Before getting back into blogging, I had promised myself to stick to it and write religiously. Promises of course are made to be broken and its an easier pill to swallow if you break the promise yourself. These past days have been a bit difficult with me. Since finding my uncle (my father's oldest brother whose side of the family I don't have contact with) I have had some very extremely mixed emotions. On one hand I would love to meet him and my family but it feels very disheartening that my dad and his family have not tried to contact me. I am not very hard to find... I have Google'd myself so I know this to be true. So sometimes I kind of kick myself in the but for contacting him. I don't have any good memories of that side of the family.

Am I not worthy of his love?

I am in a mild state of confusion. It is amazing how you can find people on the Internet. I was randomly searching my father and the relatives on his side on Facebook on the wee hours of Friday morning. I did not find my father, however, I found his oldest brother. I think that I have met him before and I know that I used to talk to one of his daughters on the phone when I was little. My early communications with his side of the family were orchestrated by his mother. She was attempting to keep the family together. When she passed away when I was 15 years old all communication immediately went away. My lifeline to my paternal family along with drugs and homelessness (on his part not mines) made for 13 subsequent years of non-communication between he and I. I don't even believe that if I were to see him on the street I would remember what he looked like. On my uncle's Facebook page, I saw pictures of my uncle, my grandfather and what I thought was my father, but it turns out that he has an identical twin brother. So it turns out that I would be able to identify him if I saw him on the streets!

I am at the crossroads where I am not sure whether I want to ask my uncle about my father and his whereabouts. I mean everyone wants a relationship with their parents, but where has he been all these years? I would like to know if he has thought about me. Has he tried to locate me? How hard did he try? Why did he walk away from me? Am I that bad of a person? Am I not worthy of his love? There are a lot of thoughts that are swirling around my brain right not. I don't want to make a decision until I figure out if this is truly what I want. Will I ever know what I want??

Internal Struggle

I don't know why it is but I am very sensitive to conflict. It severely depletes all of my energies and it kills my self-esteem. For this reason, I tend to shy away from people in order to avoid any potential conflict. Every single argument or conflict that I have disables me. It takes a piece of me that I can never get back. This began back in elementary school and has stuck with me ever since. I would like to figure it out.

Another thing that I am having problems with is getting proper psychiatric treatment. This is my fault for several reasons. I am very reserved. I was always taught not to talk about your problems so in a psychiatric situation, there is an internal struggle for me. On one hand, I know that it is necessary and pertinent to my mental health that I am forthcoming and tell everything to my psychiatrist in order to get proper treatment. But on the other hand, it is very hard. I feel like I am doing a dissatisfaction to my family and even embarrassing them. I feel like I should be doing exactly what I was told and keep my mouth close. However, it is harming me and is the reason why I am finding it hard to function like a normal citizen. In order to be able to lead a somewhat normal and meaningful life.

The other problem that I am having is that I feel like when I finally have the courage to let the doctor know a few sessions down the line the full extent of my issues, I don't think that will believe me. I think that they may think that I am making these symptoms up just to make my situation better (or should I say worse) than the way that I first portrayed it. So this is my problem. Any suggestions or words of encouragement would be great. Let me know how you deal.

Dealing with a bit of a hypochondriac...

Just as a rheumatic senses the impending rains by their aching joints, my bipolar brain sensors told me that something wasn’t going to be right today. Something was a-brewin in the air. Call it my third eye or the voice of God or whatever your religious practices may be. I will just say that I knew it. My morning started off entirely too well. I woke up at a decent time, I felt okay for the day. Then my mother woke up and was very bubbly and she started conversations and was joking around like the whole argument the other day never happened. She continued on like she had never gone to bed without resentment and without speaking to me.

This continued on for several hours. (Sidenote: For the past several days she has been expressing her want to go to the emergency room because she is sick. She is not too sick to talk and laugh on the phone with her friends, not too sick to surf the internet to find webpages that will prove me wrong about statements that I make and not too sick to go outside and sit poolside but sick enough to go to the emergency room. How that is possible I do not know… A bit of a hypochondriac don’t you think??) Well she asked me to go with her to the emergency room with her. Today’s ailment: an infected sore in her head which is simply a chemical burn from her hair relaxer that she keeps picking at. I do not do well in emergency rooms. I avoid them at all costs, even for myself. I was beginning the statement, “I’d rather not but if you absolutely need me to than I will”, however I only got to the “but” before she burst out into tears.

She immediately called my younger brother on his cell phone and asked him to go with her to the hospital. He apparently said yes because he came upstairs and said he was ready to go. At first she said she would be ready to go as soon as she completed her homework. After she completed her homework about 45 minutes later and with my brother asleep from the boredom of waiting for her, she said never mind she would have her friend take her tomorrow after she goes to her therapy appointment. Now, any ailment worthy of emergency room attention in my belief is an ailment that seeks immediate attention. This meaning right now not 4- 5 days from now. This situation is like the boy crying wolf. How do you expect someone to take you seriously when you don’t seem to take it that seriously yourself? You simply walk around the house complaining for 5 days about the seriousness of your ailments but not seeking emergency medical attention and repeatedly saying that you will do it tomorrow.

My brain hurts at this point and I can’t think straight or concentrate. I hope that this ends soon.

So why are you asking me???

I am currently dealing with an immediate family member whose sole goal in life is to prove people wrong. If you say something that she believes is incorrect she will try to force her beliefs upon you. She is always right and you are always wrong. You are supposed to automatically accept her truth just because she says that it is the truth, no matter how far from logic that her truth is. In life, you will hear many explanation of what is right, what is wrong, why it is right and why it is wrong. Our responsibility as human beings is to research and educate ourselves on the subjects that we are not educated on. We can not go solely on what a person tells us and accept it as the truth.

This morning we had a dispute about the processes of the court system and the power of the Supreme Court. The way that I have been taught in school is that if one does not receive favorable results or what one feels as unjust results, you can petition for that case in the Supreme Court. Results in the Supreme Court are the laws of the land. Those results are final results and they trump anything that happens in local and state government. If someone is found not guilt (i.e. Casey Anthony), if the prosecution so decided to, she can be taken to the Supreme Court and tried. This is not double jeopardy because the Supreme Court tries a case with a new submission of evidence and they do not consider they local and state government verdicts. So no Casey Anthony can not be retried in Orlando, or any other localized court of law because that would be double jeopardy. But yes she can be tried in Supreme Court for the charges that she did not get charged for (murder and disposal of a dead body).

Well she listened to my argument and said "okay, now stop talking to me. We are done with this subject." But you could tell that she was clearly upset. About 15 minutes or so later, I noticed her pick up laptop and she began loudly and frustratingly tapping away at the keys. Turns out she was looking for a news article about the Casey Anthony trial that would disprove what I said. (This is a regular occurrence from her. She will Google what you said if she doesn't believe that you are right. She will search and search for hours until she can find an article or comment to prove you wrong, not looking at the credibility of the source but simply at the fact that it says that you are incorrect.) When she found what she was looking for she texted me telling me that I was wrong and what phrase to Google to prove that I am wrong and that she was right. I personally do not mind being corrected but someone who attempts to disprove anything that you do not agree with her on but turn around and asks you for help when they do not know something becomes annoying. There have even been time when she has asked me a question or for help and then said that my answer was wrong and that I did not know what I was talking about. So why are you asking me???

I have decided to no longer offer my advice, even when it is asked for. I am going to simply say, "I don't know", because when I do know you say that I am incorrect. This is why as soon as I finish my college education, I am leaving this city. I am moving far, far away. Somewhere that requires at least a 4 hours drive minimum. This chaotic environment is not conducive to my sanity and well-being. This could possibly be the source of my self-doubt and insecurity. Actually I am pretty sure that it is. Even when I know that I know the answer, I am very afraid to admit it and speak up about it. Because I know the reaction at home when I do know the answer.

Least likely to succeed

You know, I am just not feeling it today. I don't feel like getting up and I really don't want to leave the house. I feel like there is plenty that I need to do inside the house so going out today is just going to distract me from what I need to do. I have tons of homework that I have to work on. I have a load of laundry that I am pretty sure needs to be washed again because this is the third day that it has been sitting in the washing machine. I am pretty disheartened by the outcome of the Casey Anthony trial and how she most likely got away with murder. All of the signs point towards her but the prosecution was unable to convince the jury what her motive would be for killing her child so they found her not guilty. First of all, who cares why!!! Does it really matter why? If we can't convict a murderer because we don't know why they did it then we would have a lot of murderers roaming the streets freely. Secondly, the fact that the whole month while little Caylee was "missing" she didn't not report it nor was she seemingly distraught. In fact, what she did was party it up nightly and post the photos of her doing so on Facebook. If I were a mother and my child were missing I would be a depressed recluse until she was found alive. If she were found dead I would be devastated and probably continue my reclusive behavior for a while longer. What I would not do is duct tape and bag her corpse and leave it in my trunk until I could find some remote place to bury her body where I thought it would be hard to find.

Things like that just ruffle my feathers. I am going to have to start avoiding the news and Facebook as much as possible until this talk about the verdict all dies down. This effects my daily functioning. Today at 11a, I have to go for a psychiatric evaluation. I am having a hard time functioning as an employee and working with people. So hard of a time that I begin to feel flushed and sick when I was at work. It is crippling for me to work for and with people. Especially when I don't feel like people want or appreciate the work that I am doing. Most likely the only way I will succeed in a working world is as some form a social worker, running my own non-profit where people are appreciative of my contributions, or as a volunteer in the Peace Corps (where again people will be more appreciative of the things that I am doing for them). I can't go around trying to force things upon people that they don't want and/or can't afford. When people say leave me alone, I leave them alone. I refuse to chase them around because some sales manager feels that if I push hard enough I can sell them something. (Even if they come back to return it as soon as I am not looking or turn my back!) I also can't work in an office where there is a manager standing over my back asking what I am doing and how far I got on my work.

Unfortunately, being bipolar come with serious ups and downs. My mood can vary by the day or even by the hour. No one understands this nor do they seem to care. They just care about what I can do for them and that is it. They see you as a worker and not as a person. I truly envy those people who enjoy going to work and the people that they work with. I envy those people who are working in a career that they love and enjoy. Due to a severe depression after I graduated from high school (as valedictorian of my class), I didn't go to college. I immediately went to work a minimum wage, entry level work where I did not have the opportunity to showcase any of my skills. My intelligence nor the career skills that I have stayed bottled up inside. Now it is essential to have a college degree to have a decent job. A bachelor's degree is like having a high school diploma these days and that I do not hold. It is a very depressing feeling that I have all of this potential and intellect but the only job that I can obtain is that of a secretary, receptionist, or cashier. It's almost enough to make you suicidal.

Genius, Creativity, and Bipolar Disorder

As for now, coasting at a steady speed. My concentration level is a little less than I would like it to be or the way it is when I am headed towards my manic state. I notice that I have to take more frequent breaks in between my reading. I prefer when I can continuously read as opposed to dragging the process out. I can fully understand why people actually enjoy their highs. They can be quite addicting. I think I am the most brilliant when I am manic. That is why all of the most creative and brilliant people are bipolar. Some the most talented celebrities are bipolar. These people include:

• Agatha Christie
• Albert Einstein
• Abraham Lincoln
• Buzz Aldrin
• Jim Carey
• Kay Redfield Jamison
• Jane Pauley
• Marilyn Monroe
• Ozzie Osbourne
• Plato
• Robin Williams
• Ted Turner
• Vincent Van Gogh
• Winston Churchill
• Edgar Allen Poe
• Hans Christian Anderson
• Jimi Hendrix
• Kurt Cobain
• Elizabeth Taylor
• Ludwig van Beethoven
• Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Tim Burton
• Virginia Woolf
• Wolfgang Armadeus Mozart
• Thomas Stearns Elliot

I believe that there is most likely a correlation between intellect and bipolar disorder because the most talented people in their field tend to be bipolar. I mean come on, my hero Albert Einstein was bipolar! Where would we be without the theory of relativity? To be classified in a category with the people listed above is an honor in my opinion. Although we go through some serious mental struggles and we may have the propensity to harm ourselves we can look at this fact and feel a sense of honor almost. We are special. We are in a class of our own. I feel like I am apart of some elite club at times. A club that we were born into and birth rite is the only way you can earn admission. Although we are stigmatized by the rest of the world and sometimes shunned because of our mental illness, we have some advantage over them. So ha ha! Take that "normal people"!!

Here is a link to an interesting article on bipolar disorder and creativity: http://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/creativity-and-bipolar-disorder.aspx

What a difference a day and 150mg of Lamictal makes!

What a difference a day and 150mg of Lamictal makes! I am going to do my damnedest to take my medication religiously because I feel as close to normal as a bipolar person can be. I got up at a decent time this morning and I did not feel exhausted. Before when I wasn't taking my medicine, when I woke up every morning, I felt as if I hadn't slept in days. But this morning was the complete opposite. I got up, I put on a pot of coffee, put the dishes in the dishwasher that I was too lazy to do last night and I did some reading. I also just about finished the last 50 pages of An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. Now I am working on my school work for this week.  For my African-American History before 1877, I have to read 50 pages of reading, a 400 word essay, 2 200 word peer response essays and a quiz. For Social Psychology, I have to read two chapters (I am not positive how many pages that is), a 400 word essay, 2 200 word peer response essays and 2 quizzes. For my Spanish 1 class, I have to complete the unit work which is about an hour and a half of online lecture/learning and whatever discussion board that my professor has assigned.

Reeling myself in from the brink of mania!

Well that was a close one. For almost two weeks I had discontinued taking my Lamictal. (Side note: This is not a practice that I suggest, condone or regularly engage in however, it kinda just happens sometimes. Forgive me for being imperfect..) For the first couple of days I honestly forgot to take it. I began experiencing the normal bursts of energy that I experienced pre-diagnoses and I have to say I actually enjoyed it. I began cooking again. When I say cooking I don't mean the box or canned stuffed I mean everything from scratch including dessert. It felt great. I was receiving so many compliments for my cooking and it was a real self-esteem booster. I felt so alive. I went to Home Depot with the intention of purchasing seeds and supplies to grow my own little vegetable garden on my balcony (which I thoroughly researched on the Internet and found out that it is totally possible here in Los Angeles!)

Then I began reading more. I was back to my old routine of starting a new book every other day. I was feeling what was normal for me pre-diagnoses. I began taking care of myself again. I was concerned (not excessively but to a normal extent) with my self-image again. I actually cared! I also called a friend and initiated a dinner night with her. We went together at 10 pm and I had a great time. I wasn't anticipating going home. Lastly, what I enjoyed was I got back into my old habit of writing. Aside from this blog, I am a part-time writer for Associated Content. You see stabilization for me is somewhere between severe depression on the verge of suicide and standard behavior. When I am stabilized on Lamictal, I am completely comfortable and I prefer to be alone. I work well and I do well in school, all by myself. I prefer not to see my friends but I will talk, text or Facebook them.

When I am stabilized I am an honor roll student. When I am manic I am brilliant, top of my class. When I am depressed, I am a D student C average at best. This being the case you can understand why I have some enjoyment and preference to not taking my medication at times. I usually discontinue it when I get depressed. I can see that I am getting a bit off subject so I am going to reel myself in again and get back to how I pulled myself back together. Like I said I was feeling great in my hypo manic state, however, this weekend I kind of piled on the activities. I tend to plan a lot of things to do when I go into a manic state. I believe this is due to the fact that when I am not manic I stay indoors as much as possible.

On Saturday, I went to 3 different grocery stores to do my shopping. I came home and made tamales, which is a 3 hour process. I made cheese, chicken, and pineapple for dessert. Saturday I got up early and headed out to Americana at Brand in Glendale. I had lunch at Katsuya, dessert at LA Creamery and did some shopping. Afterwards, I drove over to Burbank to go to Ikea to buy some kitchen supplies (like I already don't have enough). As I was in line checking out, I could feel myself crashing. I became extremely cranky and lethargic. I was so pissed at the fact that I had to drive myself home. On the freeway, all of the signs seemed to be blank and did not register with me. When they started making sense again I was about 20 miles past home which is where I was headed.

Today (Sunday), I headed out to Camarillo Outlets which is probably about 25 miles from my house. I don't know why I kept driving but I was in the worst mood. Everything and everyone annoyed me. No one on the road was driving correctly. I came back home and took my little brother to the mall (again I don't know why but I had to). When I finally arrived safely home and sat down on the couch and began reading again, it dawned on me that classes begin for me tomorrow and I have to snap out of this if I want to do well. I have to bring my GPA back to at least a B average if I want to get into a decent graduate school! I gave in and reluctantly took my medication and within less than an hour I feel great. That is stable great. I can concentrate. I can engage in normal household activities. My short-term memory is suffering but I will be able to conduct myself like a normal citizen of this Earth.

Let's see how this goes!

Departed

Departed... that is the best way to describe my current state. It's as if my soul and energy have deserted me and just left a hollow shell with a brain. The joys of suffering from bipolar disorder. And to think that there are people out there on this planet who refuse to accept mental illness as medical. Is you brain not apart of your body? Do you not medically treat your body? Or is it that the brain is exempt from seeking medical attention if necessary? This is not something made up, nor is it something fun to have. I don't enjoy these gusts of energy and car crash depressions. I don't enjoy the fact that I have to be particularly careful with who I divulge my diagnoses to in order to avoid being judged and ridiculed because of the whole stigma behind mental illness.

If a genie were to grant you three wishes today, what would you wish for? What would I wish for? A couple million dollars (between $1 and $10 million nothing to crazy!!), my own social service agency that focused on women and children and gave extra attention to mental illness, and to rid the world of all stigmas surrounding mental illnesses. In reference to the latter, all I want is acceptance. If the world accepted me for me then I would feel a little more free to express my feelings and issues. I would not have to put people through an interview process before letting them know that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Diabetics, heart disease and cancer patients can be liberal with disclosing their diagnoses to the public and when they do they receive a sympathetic "Oh". When someone discloses a mental health diagnoses, the "Oh" sounds like "I didn't know you were crazy and from now on I am going to keep my distance because I don't know if you are going to snap on me" should immediately follow. Even when you have known the person for a long time and they have never questioned your mental state.

I want a sympathetic "Oh" occasionally... if not most of the time because dealing with this disease is a bitch! In order to survive this life and not take myself out of my own misery, I am dependent on medication, psychiatrists, and therapy for the rest of my life. If I stop, the results can and will be fatal. What kind of way is that to live? I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy... (Well maybe make them walk a day or two is my manic or depressive shoes to teach them some compassion will suffice). The biggest problem that I have is that I feel like I am being portrayed as lazy. When I am in a depressive state, I feel like I am obese with depression. Like it anchors me down. I try to free myself of its restraints but to no avail....

Waiting on the return flight to stability!