Least likely to succeed

You know, I am just not feeling it today. I don't feel like getting up and I really don't want to leave the house. I feel like there is plenty that I need to do inside the house so going out today is just going to distract me from what I need to do. I have tons of homework that I have to work on. I have a load of laundry that I am pretty sure needs to be washed again because this is the third day that it has been sitting in the washing machine. I am pretty disheartened by the outcome of the Casey Anthony trial and how she most likely got away with murder. All of the signs point towards her but the prosecution was unable to convince the jury what her motive would be for killing her child so they found her not guilty. First of all, who cares why!!! Does it really matter why? If we can't convict a murderer because we don't know why they did it then we would have a lot of murderers roaming the streets freely. Secondly, the fact that the whole month while little Caylee was "missing" she didn't not report it nor was she seemingly distraught. In fact, what she did was party it up nightly and post the photos of her doing so on Facebook. If I were a mother and my child were missing I would be a depressed recluse until she was found alive. If she were found dead I would be devastated and probably continue my reclusive behavior for a while longer. What I would not do is duct tape and bag her corpse and leave it in my trunk until I could find some remote place to bury her body where I thought it would be hard to find.

Things like that just ruffle my feathers. I am going to have to start avoiding the news and Facebook as much as possible until this talk about the verdict all dies down. This effects my daily functioning. Today at 11a, I have to go for a psychiatric evaluation. I am having a hard time functioning as an employee and working with people. So hard of a time that I begin to feel flushed and sick when I was at work. It is crippling for me to work for and with people. Especially when I don't feel like people want or appreciate the work that I am doing. Most likely the only way I will succeed in a working world is as some form a social worker, running my own non-profit where people are appreciative of my contributions, or as a volunteer in the Peace Corps (where again people will be more appreciative of the things that I am doing for them). I can't go around trying to force things upon people that they don't want and/or can't afford. When people say leave me alone, I leave them alone. I refuse to chase them around because some sales manager feels that if I push hard enough I can sell them something. (Even if they come back to return it as soon as I am not looking or turn my back!) I also can't work in an office where there is a manager standing over my back asking what I am doing and how far I got on my work.

Unfortunately, being bipolar come with serious ups and downs. My mood can vary by the day or even by the hour. No one understands this nor do they seem to care. They just care about what I can do for them and that is it. They see you as a worker and not as a person. I truly envy those people who enjoy going to work and the people that they work with. I envy those people who are working in a career that they love and enjoy. Due to a severe depression after I graduated from high school (as valedictorian of my class), I didn't go to college. I immediately went to work a minimum wage, entry level work where I did not have the opportunity to showcase any of my skills. My intelligence nor the career skills that I have stayed bottled up inside. Now it is essential to have a college degree to have a decent job. A bachelor's degree is like having a high school diploma these days and that I do not hold. It is a very depressing feeling that I have all of this potential and intellect but the only job that I can obtain is that of a secretary, receptionist, or cashier. It's almost enough to make you suicidal.